Situationship culture has become the norm for millennials and Gen Z, but avoiding “the talk” might be costing more than it protects.

The texting is consistent. The weekend sleepovers have become routine. You’ve scrolled through each other’s Instagram stories, met a few friends, maybe even kept a toothbrush at their place. But when someone asks if you’re dating or actually together, the answer gets murky.

Welcome to the era of the situationship—a romantic arrangement that looks like dating, feels like dating, but refuses to actually be called dating.

For Black millennials and Gen Z adults navigating their 20s and 30s, this ambiguous territory has become surprisingly familiar terrain. It’s not that commitment is unwanted. Rather, the path to defining a relationship has become so fraught with potential pitfalls that many choose to simply… not.

But the question lingers: Are we protecting ourselves from heartbreak, or just prolonging inevitable disappointment?

Why Situationships Have Become the Default

The reluctance to define relationships doesn’t emerge from nowhere. Young adults today are juggling pressures previous generations didn’t face in quite the same way.

Career instability and student debt create financial uncertainty. Therapy culture has made everyone hyperaware of attachment styles and trauma responses. Social media presents an endless stream of alternatives. Dating apps have turned romance into something that feels disposable.

Within Black communities specifically, additional layers complicate the landscape. There’s the conscious effort to avoid “struggle love”—relationships built on shared suffering rather than genuine partnership. There’s generational trauma that requires active healing. There’s hyper-independence developed as a survival mechanism.

These factors converge into a dating culture that prizes flexibility and fears vulnerability. The result? Two people can act entirely coupled—exclusive in practice, emotionally invested, future-oriented—without ever actually naming what they’re doing.

The silence itself becomes the relationship’s defining feature.

The Emotional Cost of Avoiding Clarity

What begins as casual often doesn’t stay that way. Feelings develop. Routines solidify. Expectations form, even when unspoken.

Yet the fear of “doing too much” keeps many from initiating the exclusivity conversation. The concern is understandable: What if asking for definition pushes them away? What if they weren’t on the same page? What if the vibes were just… vibes?

This anxiety often hits women particularly hard, especially those who’ve internalized the “chill girl” archetype. Being low-maintenance becomes a performance. Wanting commitment feels like neediness. Having standards registers as demanding.

So desires get minimized. Needs go unstated. Months pass in a holding pattern that satisfies no one but breaks nothing—at least not obviously.

The resentment, though, accumulates quietly. Eventually, you realize you’ve been auditioning for a relationship that was never actually offered.

Reframing the Conversation

The premise that asking “what are we?” equals desperation is fundamentally flawed. Seeking clarity is simply adult communication.

The approach, however, matters. Framing the conversation as an accusation or ultimatum rarely works. Instead, vulnerability and directness create space for honest dialogue.

Rather than demanding answers, share your position. “I’ve really enjoyed our time together, and I’m not seeing anyone else. Are we on the same page?” Or: “I’m dating with intention right now. I want to make sure we’re aligned on where this is headed.”

These aren’t pressure tactics. They’re invitations to transparency.

If the response involves vague phrases like “let’s just see where it goes” or “why do we need labels?”—take that information seriously. Someone genuinely interested in building something won’t be frightened by the prospect of clarity.

Distinguishing Comfort from Compatibility

Sometimes situationships persist not because they’re working, but because they’re comfortable. There’s a difference between a relationship that’s developing naturally and one that’s simply… existing.

The diagnostic questions are straightforward: If nothing changed for six months, would you be satisfied? Are you avoiding the conversation because you already know the answer? Are you performing nonchalance to avoid abandonment?

Vibes feel good in the moment. Dating requires direction. One is reactive; the other is intentional.

Choosing Alignment Over Ambiguity

This generation is actively working to break unhealthy relationship patterns—refusing to romanticize struggle, rejecting emotional unavailability, insisting on reciprocity. Demanding clarity is part of that evolution.

Commitment doesn’t need to be rushed. But you do deserve to know what you’re building toward.

Peace doesn’t come from pretending ambiguity is fine. It comes from choosing relationships that align with your actual desires, not the downsized version you’ve convinced yourself to accept.

The right person won’t run from an honest conversation about expectations. And if they do? That’s information worth having sooner rather than later.

Being “chill” shouldn’t require abandoning yourself. Sometimes the most radical act is simply asking for what you want—and believing you deserve a clear answer.