For millions of people, Mother’s Day is not a celebration. It is a reminder of someone gone, and grief expert Simone Burke-Cousins says there is a better way to move through it.

Every year, Mother’s Day arrives wrapped in flowers and brunch reservations and social media posts that make the day look uncomplicated. For a significant portion of the people living through it, the reality is something else entirely because of grief.

Some have lost their mothers. Some have lost children. Some are carrying the quiet weight of miscarriage or pregnancy loss that the world around them never fully acknowledged. For all of these people, the second Sunday of May is not simply a celebration. It is a date on the calendar that arrives with grief attached, and the cultural pressure to perform happiness around it can make that grief harder to carry.

Simone Burke-Cousins, founder of Bereavement and Beyond, works with people navigating exactly this kind of loss. Her approach starts with a simple but necessary permission: you do not have to pretend.

You are allowed to move through the day your own way

One of the most persistent pressures grief brings is the sense that other people’s comfort depends on how well you manage your emotions in public. Mother’s Day intensifies that pressure. Burke-Cousins pushes back on it directly, making clear that there is no obligation to perform a version of the day that does not reflect where you actually are.

That looks different for everyone. Some people find that quiet, private remembrance works best. Others want to speak the name of the person they lost out loud, to cook their favorite meal, to pull out photographs and sit with the memories for a while. For women who have experienced pregnancy loss, even naming themselves as mothers in the context of that loss can be a meaningful and often overlooked part of processing grief.

The point is not to follow a prescribed path but to find whatever creates space for both the love and the loss to exist at the same time.

Preparing for the moments that catch you off guard

Grief on significant dates rarely arrives in a steady, manageable stream. It comes in waves, often triggered by things that seem minor from the outside. A commercial. A song playing in a store. A text from someone who forgot what the day means to you.

Burke-Cousins recommends building a loose support structure before the day arrives rather than trying to manage it entirely alone. That might mean identifying one or two people who understand what you are carrying and letting them know you may need them. It might mean deciding in advance to limit time on social media, where the volume of celebratory content can become overwhelming quickly.

When an unexpected moment of grief surfaces, she suggests pausing to acknowledge the feeling rather than pushing through it. Grounding techniques can help in those moments. Focusing on immediate sensory details, what you can see, hear, and feel in the room around you, can bring attention back to the present when emotion threatens to pull you under.

Having the words ready

One practical tool Burke-Cousins recommends is preparing a response in advance for situations where someone’s well-meaning question or comment lands harder than they intended. A simple, rehearsed answer that communicates your needs without requiring explanation in the moment can reduce the cognitive load of navigating those interactions.

Something along the lines of acknowledging the other person’s kindness while letting them know you are taking the day quietly and may not be up for much gives you an exit without requiring anyone to feel bad about the exchange.

Both things can be true at once

Perhaps the most useful reframe Burke-Cousins offers is also the most straightforward. Feeling genuine happiness for someone else on Mother’s Day does not cancel out the sadness or longing you feel for your own loss. The two emotions are not in competition. They can occupy the same day, the same hour, the same moment.

Grief does not require isolation from the people around you who are celebrating. And celebration does not require you to set your grief aside. Giving yourself the room to hold both is not weakness. It is the most honest way through.